Happily Feather After
by FlutterStutterBOOMBOOM
Summary: All the classic fairy tales like you've never seen them before!  Do YOU know the tale of CinderELLA?  Of Beauty and the Eraser?  If not, read and discover all those timeless childhood morals all over again.
1. CinderELLA

**Author's Note: Hello there, my name is Flutter, and I should _not _be starting a new fanfiction.**

**But this just occurred to me, and I fell in love with it right away. Besides, it's been far too long since I've written for Maximum Ride. So, with that, welcome to _Happily Feather After_, a parody of classic fairy tales starring none other than the characters of MR! I'll try to incorporate a bunch of different pairings and such, but my main goal is just to make you laugh. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: (*Points to James Patterson*) He made me do it!**

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><p><em>Once upon a time...<em>

there lived a girl named Cinderella, Ella for short. And while Ella was beautiful, her life had been far from easy, for her wicked stepmother, Brigid, and her two horrid step-siblings, Lissa and Dylan had turned her into a common scullery maid and treated her like dirt for as long as she could remember.

Now, most people would have lost heart by now. Most girls would have either turned completely bitter and grown up to spend their lives as those old ladies who shrieks at children to get off their lawns or just broken down and starting muttering to themselves until they were carted away to the nut hut, but not Ella. Ella remained cheerful and hopeful about the future.

Sure, she didn't have much, but she did have one friend, one really great friend, and as anyone learned in the practice of reading stories with deep morals will tell you, one great friend is often all it takes. Ella's friend was named Max. Max, was, for the most part, a lovely girl, though she did have the one personality glitch of thinking she was a mouse. She was perfectly sane otherwise, it was just a little awkward when she acted like no one but Ella could see her.

Our story begins upon the arrival of the invitation to Prince Iggy's ball. It read:

"_Ladies and Gentle... Ladies,_

_The Great Prince Iggy is seeking a chick. Thus, all applicable babes and their chaperones are asked to attend the grand ball that well be held next Saturday night at nine. It will take place at the royal palace. Since the budget for the beach bunny theme fell through, the event will be black tie. We look forward to seeing you there!"_

"Ooooooooooooooooooh, Mommy, can we go, can we go, can we go?" Lissa screeched.

"Of course we're going," Brigid snapped. "They'll be expecting us- they know how many girls there are in the kingdom."

"So they'll be expecting the two of us?" Lissa asked eagerly.

"Actually," Brigid said in a dangerously soft voice, "they're expecting all three of the girls who live here."

As neither Lissa or Dylan was particularly bright, it took a considerable amount of time for their eyes to settle on Ella.

"_Her?" _Lissa squawked.

"Well, I suppose there's no harm in taking her..." Brigid said uncertainly.

"No, Mommy!" This time it was Dylan. "Don't take _her_. I want to go! Take me in her place!" Dylan wasn't gay, but, being the sexist pig that he was, he saw the opportunity to be surrounded by every single girl in the kingdom and intended to jump on it.

A grin spread across Brigid's face. "Fine, it's settled. Dylan will represent Ella, who will be at home dying of a rare Scandinavian disease. Royalty love sob stories. Ella, make us dresses."

Ella found herself alone in the sewing room. She allowed a few tears to slip down her face; she had secretly been looking forward to going to the ball. But still, she made the dresses in time for the dance. She was like that.

And when the night of the ball came, she even complimented her family on how nice they looked, in spite of the fact that they actually looked like the unfortunate lovechildren of Susan Boyle and a vampire. They merely sneered at her as they left.

Ella had resolved to stay strong when she left- maybe even splurge and make herself her very own bologna and cheese sandwich. But, as she imagined the party and all the fun her family must be having, she burst into tears. She put her head in her arms, sobbing.

Someone was stroking her hair. It was Max. "Why aren't you at the ball?" Ella sniffed.

"They didn't invite _mice_, silly," Max said solemnly.

Ella put her head back down and continued to sob, "Just go! I want to be alone!"

Max continued to stroke her hair, but when Ella looked up to tell her off, she found that it wasn't Max at all, oh no. It was a strange woman who looked quite like Ella. "Ella, sweetie, why aren't _you _at the ball?"

Instead of doing something crazy, like asking 'Who are you?' or 'How do you know my name?' or 'How did you get into my house?', Ella did the rational thing and struck up a conversation with her. "My stepmother took my stepbrother instead of me," she whimpered.

"Oh, that's terrible! But don't be sad. I'm here to help. I'm Valencia, by the way."

"But Valencia... why would _you _want to help _me_?"

"Isn't it obvious, dear? I'm your godmother!"

"You are?"

Valencia nodded, smiling sagely.

"Are you here to tell me you're a fairy, make me a dress out of magic, and get me to the ball without my stepmother ever knowing?"

"No, actually, I'm here to do this." With that, she drew back her hand and slapped Ella across the face.

Ella put a hand to her searing cheek. "What was that for?"

"For being a doormat for all these years! Girl, it's time to man up. Live a little!"

"You mean I should..."

"Just go. Stand up for yourself _for once_, have a good time _for once_, and maybe, just maybe, get the guy. What's life without a few risks?"

"Well... I'd love to, I suppose, but I don't have a dress."

"I brought you the most beautiful dress in the land."

"I don't have a ride."

"You live _three blocks _from the palace. You'll make it."

"... I still don't think it's such a good idea!"

Valencia sighed. "Look honey, if you're that worried about it, just be home by midnight. Your family will never know."

"Alright," Ella said nervously. She put on the dress and found that it fit her perfectly and, as promised, it was absolutely stunning. She took off for the palace.

Upon arriving, a guard asked for her name. Ella's heart sank. Her family would already be there, meaning that she would already be accounted for. She would have to go home after all.

Suddenly, Ella looked down at herself, and then she looked around her. She thought of her godmother's words. No. She would _not _go home without a fight. She was at the palace and she looked like a princess and she was going to live her dreams tonight.

She kneed the guard in the groin, elbowed him in the neck, and banged his head against the large stone pillar he was standing in front of, effectively knocking him unconscious.

She continued into the ballroom at a strut, but her way was blocked by yet another guard. And this one had reinforcement.

"Excuse me, miss, but we've gotten a report about someone attacking a member of our staff to gain access to the palace."

Ella stiffened. "I'm sorry to hear that, but I haven't seen anyone. Don't know a thing about it."

"That's fine, but just to be safe, could you give us your name as well."

"My name?" Oh crap. She couldn't take down all these guys- there were just too many. She wished she had brought Max along, Max was a good fighter.

_Wait a minute. Max..._

"Max," she said. "My name is Max Ride, and I'm a single girl from the kingdom, so I was invited here."

One of the thugs checked a clipboard. "There's a Max Ride on the list. And she's unaccounted for."

The guard shrugged. "Alright then. Sorry we bothered you, Miss Ride. Have a nice evening."

She beamed, and thanked God for her friend's secret mental handicap.

Once inside, she was captivated by the magic of it all, and everyone else was captivated with her. The only one to speak was Lissa, who asked her brother, "Who's that girl that looks exactly like Ella in every way?"

"I have no idea. Surely no one we know."

Prince Iggy, though blind, noticed the sudden hush that fell over the crowd and turned to mutter to his assistant, Fang. "What happened?"

"A girl just walked in."

"That bad, huh?"

"No. Actually, just the opposite. She's the prettiest girl here."

"Well why didn't you just say so? Bring her to me!"

Fang rushed over and grabbed Ella by the hand. "The prince would like to dance with you." And before Ella even knew what was happening, she was in the arms of the most handsome man she'd ever seen, swaying back and forth to gentle music that an orchestra was playing from a balcony above.

"So," he said, "I hear you look pretty hot tonight."

"Thank you. My godmother did find me quite a nice dress."

After that, it seemed, no more words were needed, because when you're in love with someone, you don't need words, your souls simply connect, and you start doing those odd little couple things like finishing each other's sentences or that thing where you run into each other and you both try to get out of the way but you just end up stepping into each other's path all over again. Yeah. That was love.

But eventually, of course, the clock struck midnight and Ella ran off.

"Wait! Where are you going?"

"I have to get home!"

"But I don't even know your name! Please, please tell me!"

Ella heard this and deeply, deeply wished to answer, but, alas, she was already running home, and she just didn't have what it took to walk and talk at the same time. That kind of stuff took years of training.

Iggy listened to the sound of her retreating footsteps, heartbroken, until his foot bumped something lying on the floor. He picked it up and examined it carefully with his fingers. It was a shoe!"

"Fang!" he called.

"Yes, sir?"

"That girl made this the best night of my life. Tomorrow, you are to try this shoe on every girl in the kingdom and determine who that fine, _fine _lady is."

"Sir," Fang sighed, "I'm glad to hear that you've found someone, but don't you think this is going a bit far? Besides, I'm sure a lot of women have the same size feet..."

"Nonsense! This is the smallest shoe I've ever felt. My lady must have the daintiest feet in all the land."

"But Prince Iggy, wouldn't it make more sense to ask the guards if they remembered the girl? They'd know her name if they did."

"Fang, I don't understand why you always doubt me. Just try the shoe on every single girl who was here."

The next day, Fang was shocked when he found that not a single girl could squeeze her foot into the slipper that Iggy's girl had left behind. He was running out of households! Things weren't looking good. Iggy would be so upset if he lost his one true love and besides, the kingdom was starting to fall into chaos. The women were starting to instate the ancient Chinese practice of foot-binding.

He knocked on the door of the very last house grimly. Inside, he saw three girls, one woman, and a boy. "Excuse me, I need these three to try the shoe on."

He had a spark of hope with the first one- she was certainly the most beautiful girl _Fang_ had ever seen. He couldn't help but stare as he slipped the shoe on. He frowned. It didn't fit. "I'm sorry, you don't seem to be a match," he murmured. The girl didn't seem to upset, she just made a little noise and went off. He wasn't sure exactly what the noise was, but it sounded a bit like a... _squeak_.

The next girl was nothing special, but he tried the shoe on anyway. He'd seen some big feet today, but _damn_. The tiny shoe dangled on her big toe like it belonged to a doll. This girl was quite infuriated, but he ignored her and went on to the next girl.

This time, the shoe fit.

"That is impossible!" Brigid shrieked. "This wretch didn't leave the house the night of the ball."

"Regardless, I'll have to take her back to the palace immediately."

"No! I won't allow it!"

But before he could argue, Brigid was knocked out by a flying projectile aimed at her head. Looking closely, Fang could identify it only as the largest hunk of cheese he had ever seen.

He looked up to see the beautiful girl who had squeaked grinning proudly. "Nice!" he complimented her.

And so it was that Iggy and Ella were reunited, Iggy recognized her immediately (again through the powers of love), and they were married the very next day despite the fact that they had never had so much as a proper conversation.

_And they all lived happily feather after. The end._


	2. Nudge Ride and the Flock of Dwarves

_Once upon a time..._

There lived a vain queen named Queen Brigid. Brigid cared for no one but herself, not even for her beautiful stepdaughter, Nudge Ride. If anything, Queen Brigid was jealous of Nudge Ride- everyone loved her because she was not only pretty, but also kind, generous, and friendly.

But it never became a problem until the day that Brigid stood before her mirror and chanted "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?"

"You know that's just a regular mirror, right?" called a voice from behind her. The queen whirled around angrily to see Maya, a servant and hunter, standing in the doorway with her arms crossed. "Besides," she continued, "even if that mirror _was _magical, it wouldn't be fawning over you. Everyone knows that Nudge Ride is the beauty of the kingdom."

"How dare you say that?" Brigid screeched. It was a good thing that the mirror wasn't magic after all, because her impossibly high-pitched voice caused it to shatter.

Maya shrugged, twirling the magenta lock of her hair around her finger. "Everyone says it. People just can't get enough of that chick; at least, until she starts talking..."

Brigid's eyes widened. "So the little princess thinks she can steal my place? HA! Maya, I order you to murder her."

Maya raised an eyebrow. "That seems a bit drastic. Couldn't we just feed her a lot of junk food and wait for her to fatten up?"

"No, that would take too long!"

"Well can't we at least just give her some sort of terrible scar on her face?"

"_Just do as I say!" _Brigid cried before storming out of the room.

Maya sighed and called for Nudge Ride. "Nudge Ride," she said, "your favorite flowers are in bloom in the darkest part of the forest."

"Ooh, the part where no one can hear you scream?"

"That's the one."

"Oh, yay! I just love flowers, don't you? They're so pretty and colorful; they're like the only thing in the world that doesn't have a dark side. Actually, they do attract bees... and there is that expression 'Every rose has it's thorn' so..."

She continued on like this all the way to the middle of the forest, until Maya was almost _eager _to put her six feet under.

They reached a small clearing far, far away from civilization. "I don't see any flowers..." Nudge Ride said, but the rest of her imminent rant was cut off by her own scream, for Maya had just pulled out a knife and was fast approaching with it.

Nudge Ride thought that she was done for, but just as she started to see her life flash before her eyes, Maya dropped the knife.

"Oh, I can't kill you!"

"Because I'm too beautiful and sweet and innocent?" Nudge Ride asked, touched.

"No, no, because I need to teach that old hag of a queen a lesson. I ain't her bitch. Anyway, good luck." Maya left the forest without looking back.

After the initial relief of not being murdered passed, a problem presented itself. The forest was _scary_. And, since she'd been so busy talking to Maya about flowers on her way in, Nudge Ride was lost.

She ran and ran and ran, trying to find a way out, or at least somewhere to stay the night. She called for help and looked for the North Star and checked which side of the rock the moss grew on, all to no avail. When it seemed that she was destined to live her whole life amongst these trees, she finally say a small cottage in the shape of an E on it's side.

"Hello?" she called. "Excuse me, but I'm quite out of my way and I was wondering if I might come in. See, I was almost just murdered, but then the hunter decided to let me live, but she didn't tell me the way out, so I was just hoping-"

"OH MY GOD MAKE IT STOP!" someone roared from inside.

The door swung open. Standing there was a dwarf, a dwarf with curly blonde hair and big blue eyes. She studied Nudge Ride skeptically, then smiled. "Don't worry guys, it's cool," she called behind her. "She just wants a place to stay."

Six other dwarfs appeared around her. "Come in, come in, let me introduce you to everyone," the blonde one continued. "This," she said, pointing to one that looked slightly hairy, "is Bitey."

"Why do you call him that?"

"Oh, he's been known to transform into a wolf and kill people. All in good fun though. And _this_," she indicated one with brown hair streaked with blonde and brown eyes, "is Crazy." She leaned in and whispered to Nudge Ride, "She hears voices in her head. Not good. But this here is Gassy."

"Do I want to know?"

"Nope." The next guy she pointed to had strawberry blonde hair and seemed to be blind. "This is Sparky."

"Because?"

"Oh, just a name, really. By the way, if you have any valuables that are the least bit flammable, I suggest burying them."

"Alright... How 'bout you?" Nudge Ride asked a dark-looking dwarf. He didn't answer her.

"That's Mutey. Watch this: Hey, Mutey, what do you think of the new girl?"

He nodded solemnly.

The next girl jumped forward to meet Nudge Ride. "That's Bubbly. She doesn't have much character, but she seems like a generally happy person. She's Crazy's half-sister."

"And you?"

"Oh, my name's Creepy."

"You don't seem that creepy to me."

"Oh, I'm not. It's just a joke." Suddenly, the girl's voice dropped to a low, scary rasp. "Destroy all life forms. Take over world."

"... Alright then."

Needless to say, all the dwarfs soon fell in love with Nudge Ride because of her beauty, charm, and sweet disposition. She ended up staying with them for months as they began to accept her as one of their own, and eventually dubbed her 'Chatty'. They became like family and, except for one little incident involving Nudge Ride allowing hoards of animals to enter (and destroy) the house 'to clean', got along swimmingly.

This would be all well and good, but Maya had made no secret of the fact that she had defied Queen Brigid's orders, and said queen was now determined to eliminate her competition as fairest in the land.

She spiked an apple with poison and searched high and low for the girl. She found her one day, hanging some laundry to dry outside the cottage while the dwarfs were out. She used magic to disguise herself as an old hag before approaching. "Apple, my dear?"

Nudge Ride snorted. "Please. If you're going to try to roofie kids, you're _at least _supposed to do it with candy. I mean, really, an _apple_? Who do you think you're getting into your van with that health nut crap?"

Thankful for Nudge Ride's big mouth for once, Queen Brigid forced an apple into it, making her look like a pig at a luau. "How does that taste?" She asked triumphantly.

Nudge Ride chewed it a bit as she took it out of her mouth. "Actually, this seems legit. Sorry I doubted you."

"Wha- Oh! Oh, yes, but I'm sure _this _one would taste better," Brigid said, realizing that she had in fact given Nudge Ride the apple from her own lunch.

"Uh... okay." Upon her first bite, Nudge Ride keeled over and Queen Brigid laughed maniacally. She was still laughing when the flock of dwarfs came back.

"What have you done to Chatty?" Creepy cried.

"Killed her! And the only thing that could save her now is true love's first kiss!"

"But why? Why have you done this?" Sparky demanded.

"Because she was the only thing that stood in the way of my being the most beautiful woman alive!"

"Um, not to be rude, but..." Bubbly said, making Queen Brigid realize that she had never taken her disguise off.

She quickly transformed back to her regular body, especially because the dark, silent dwarf was the most handsome creature that she had ever laid eyes on. She didn't love him, of course, because that would require a functioning heart and soul, but he would make a nice trophy husband. "There! Now you see how beautiful I am!"

"Is it true?" Sparky asked eagerly. "Is she really hot now?"

And then for the first time in ages, possibly ever, Mutey spoke. "Not really. Crazy's still way prettier. In fact, I think she may have looked better as the hag."

This was all it took to finish Queen Brigid off. Hearing someone so attractive insult her appearance seemed to destroy her from the inside out. Her body appeared to be consumed by light, much like Tom Riddle's horcrux was.

Two days later, a random guy who claimed to be a prince came and kissed Nudge Ride on the lips, causing her to awake. Everyone rejoiced, the two promptly fell in love, and no one was remotely creeped out by the fact that a nameless stranger had just made out with a dead girl, because it was all in the name of love and a simple way to tie up the plot.

_And they all lived happily ever after. The end._

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><p><strong>AN: Visit my poll and vote on which fairy tale you'd like to see next! I'll try to do all the big ones- the only one I can think of that's not on the list is _The Lion King_, because so far I don't have any ideas for it, but I'll try! Oh, same thing with _Peter Pan _and _Pinocchio_. And to be honest, I've never seen the whole _Fox and the Hound _or _Lady and the Tramp_, but I'll see if I can drum up a copy of each and get back to you ;) **


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